Are you kidding me?

Mom's nuts. Talking to her stuffed animal kind of crazy. But most of the time pleasantly so, and in her defense, goofiness runs in our family.

Given the above, and the fact that mom has recently had 2 admissions to the geri-psych unit to get her meds adjusted, we're looking at a nursing home placement. Oh, and she has Alzheimer's.

With much kicking and screaming, I came around to the idea. I was the last to get there - I have very little faith in these nursing homes, and I think my mom can still be managed in a less restrictive environment, but I came around.

OK, so well-meaning, condescending Case Manager from Hell gave us three options: take her home (never gonna happen) or one of 2 specific nursing homes. According to said case manager, these are the only appropriate facilities, and they are both well prepared to handle combativeness and dementia. And by the way, she made her recommendation before my mother even stepped in the geri-psych unit or had a single med adjustment. Really?

So my brother and I tour them both. I hate #1 but can live with #2 as can my brother, so we say yes, she'll go to #2. Well, by the time we've made the decision, #2 decides they won't take her but #1 will.

We think, we ponder, I cry. A lot. We research other options, and finally get comfortable with #1. It's hard - the place smells like pee, has a shower room that looks like a dungeon, is dingy, dark and chaotic, and 1 hour away. But we can do it. Great. Decision made.

Oh wait, what was that? Nursing home #2 changed their mind! They won't take her. Are you kidding me?

What changed? Well, she's doing better. Her medication is managed and she's now 4 days with perfect behavior and in good spirits. So she's doing too good for the worst nursing home, but is too great a risk for everyone else.

Actually, I have no idea what happened. Because these kind of things only happen on a holiday weekend when you can't get anyone on the phone. But tomorrow, I'll be sucking up to Case Manager from Hell, fully prepared to hear how this was somehow my fault. Maybe if she doesn't have to struggle with the Unrealistic Daughter (that would be me), she could make a miracle happen.

So what's my point? Here it is: in this land of no options, I can still choose how to be and where to stand. I don't like any of the circumstances right now, but for tonight, I'm gonna stand in love, live with hope, and continue to be firmly grounded in reality.