Bringing back the veil

We admitted my mom to a nursing home this Monday. It's a nice little family owned psychiatric-specialty nursing home about 50 miles away. It took almost 2 weeks to find a placement for her - out of 14 facilities, only 2 would accept her. And that was after we narrowed our list to facilities that offer secured or dementia units. The one place we didn't choose was some kind of cult-owned sanatorium and boarding school. I wish I was kidding - they have the boarding school students work in the nursing home.

It's too soon to tell how she'll do in the new place, but early indications are good. The staff are working hard to help her adjust and are communicating with us daily. The facility is located an hour and a half away, so we can't just pop over if we have a concern. Inconvenient, stressful, worrisome. But we're coping.....

So with great difficulty, I've returned (somewhat) to my normal routine: picking up kids, running errands, working a little. My darling husband had an inconveniently-timed stomach virus, which kept me from taking to the bed for a day or 2 as I had planned. I participated in basics of my life, but was virtually lifeless myself. I got stumped by questions like: what's your billing zip code? I declined to participate in all manner of social chit-chat and behaved badly to at least one sales clerk. I told my husband he had hit the expiration date on the number of sick days in bed for his illness. Fortunately, he really loves me. A lot.

What I really needed this week was a "pass" from social and behavioral expectations. Some way to let people know that even though I appear to be present, I'm just barely functioning. I'm thinking of some universally recognized, visible symbol to let others know that I'm in a mourning period.

So here's my idea: we bring back the black veil. Anyone in a mourning or grieving period can wear it as a symbol for others to "handle with care". We all know that in the matter of a death or other trauma, it takes more than the 2-3 days off work to cope with the new reality. The brain gets foggy; simple decisions become really hard. But life still goes on: groceries need bought, bills need paid, kids expect to be fed and driven to school.

My week would have been a lot easier if I could've worn the veil. Each morning when I put it on, it would be a reminder to myself to take it easy and not expect too much. Interactions at the store become easier. Cashiers either stick to the basics or begin with "I'm sorry". When someone asks "how are you?" it would be with full understanding that the answer may be brutal and ugly. The people I work with would know to speak slowly and in short sentences, and save the big problems for another day.

There's no time limit on it - you can wear it as long as needed. It's generally accepted, however, that you do save it for the big stuff, not just don it as a way of life. The only requirement would be that it is a true and honest reflection of your emotional well-being at that time.

Which got me to thinking...what would it be like to look around and see that several of us are wearing the veil on any one day? Would it change how I am in this world to see that others are struggling, too? Would I make a different choice in the morning and leave my veil at home?

Maybe. I do know that life goes on, whether I participate or not. I think making a conscious choice to opt out and not participate for a day or 2, would make it that much easier to opt back in and fully live. But not until I'm good and ready.

Thanks for reading,
Melissa